Thoughts that Keep One Awake Whilst Driving Across the Country

At this time, I'd like to take a break from my regularly-scheduled series on weddings and share some my travel experience with you through a collection of thoughts:

A statement of fact: Watermelon is not a good pre-road trip breakfast.

A warning: Beware of gas station bathrooms, especially ones where, before entering, the owner stops you and says, "I have to warn you--it's pretty bad in there."

A proverb: Burritos are like cousins visiting from out of town. They're awesome at first, but then they either leave in an awful hurry or hang around long after you'd like them to.

A theory: Native Americans love to gamble. Why else would so many of them choose to live in Oklahoma where there's nothing but casinos and sub-par college football?

A proposition: Change the term "rest room" to "relief room." It's rare I find a gas station lavatory in which I feel like resting. To be most accurate, we should probably call them "watch where you stand and please don't touch anything" rooms.

An exclamation of praise: I am not a woman; thus, even while I lament about the poor state of public restrooms, I do not experience them in the same way they do. We men should pray for them.

A final bathroom reference: Urinals and flip flops do not make good bedfellows.

A suggestion for Illinois: One word, two syllables: topography. Check it out--lots of states are doing it.

A realization: This country has a lot of corn. There's got to be something we can do with it besides eat it. Engineers, please get on that.

A desire: Instead of correcting me when I deviate from my suggested course, I wish my GPS would say things like, "My, I should of thought of that" or "Wow, sir, you're quite the adventurer." Also, I'd like it to giggle occasionally while I'm pressing its buttons.

A fact: Trucks full of turkeys are disgusting.

A guess: I bet teenagers in Illinois love telling people that they live in Effingham.

Sabotaging Weddings

Besides being able to legally purchase lottery tickets, the best thing about aging is getting to see all your friends get married. When I was a kid, I had so many weekends in which I had absolutely nothing to do. Now that I’m older, I have anywhere from one to 35 weddings per weekend to choose from. Another added benefit is that I am perpetually aware of the fact that I am unmarried. What joy! Fortunately, all these weddings have not been a waste of time. Through careful study, I have begun to develop a science of weddings—the substance of which I will gladly share with you. And because of the wonders of the Internet, I am able to dispense that information to you at no charge.

Premise #1: There are three types of weddings: absolutely extravagant perfect weddings, normal weddings, and weddings where something goes wrong. People always remember extravagant weddings. We know this because women talk about them all the time. People also remember weddings where something goes wrong, like when the pastor forgets to tell everyone to be seated and the entire audience stands for the duration of the ceremony (true story: my dad did it). Avoiding mistakes is almost impossible (or at least very expensive); thus, the key is to control mistakes, not attempt in vain to prevent them. Since no one wants just an average wedding, yet few people have the resources for a perfect ceremony, your best bet is to plan for something to go wrong.

This brings me to today’s special offer. Since most brides are too consumed with wedding details to plan for things to go wrong at the appropriate times, I will lend my skills as ceremonial saboteur for a small fee. These packages are pro-rated based on the level of service you require:

$100: This is the Basic Saboteur fee. I will attend your wedding as a silent guest and work behind the scenes to accomplish one (1) of the following tasks:

Candles don’t light or go out prematurely ($25 extra for Unity Candle malfunctions)

Flower girl

1. Does not drop flower petals
2. Flashes the audience throughout the ceremony
3. Wets herself

Bridesmaid/groomsman passes out

Getaway car gets completely trashed and is undriveable

Ring gets lost ($25 extra)

Someone objects loudly ($50 extra)

Grandparent dies ($150 extra)

Screwing with the cake (strictly forbidden)

As an invisible attendant, I am completely deniable. You are then free to laugh, enjoy yourself, and rest assured that nothing will go wrong…except what you planned.

$500: For a few hundred dollars more, you can greatly enliven your party by purchasing the services of the Charming Guest. In addition to sabotaging the wedding in up to two (2) different ways, I will:

Dance with your grandmother and/or bridesmaids

Tell humorous stories about you that make you seem warm, genuine, and lovable

Schmooze five (5) persons of your choosing, guaranteeing that they do not complain angrily to other guests about deficiencies in the ceremony and/or your character

$1,000: How many stories do you know about a no-show groomsman? If you can think of one, that’s one too many. This is exactly the type of mistake you don’t want to experience (for more details, see “Hell on Earth”). For only one grand, I will fill in as a Groomsman, complete with fake ID and stories about our exceedingly long-lasting relationship. Five wedding party pictures are included in the fee. For an extra $250, I will make a short (3-5 minute) speech that is both funny and touching. For $500 more, I will be your Best Man. This package comes complete with a custom assortment of ceremonial faux pas.

$10,000: If none of the above offers are enough to save your wedding, then your final option is the premium package. For $10,000, I will marry the bride. If her family is so upset with your lack of intelligence, character, charm, or wit, I will take one for the team and marry her on your behalf, convincing them that everything they’ve heard about the groom is utterly untrue. Your 10k covers the cost of a professional makeup job to make me look like the Groom as well as the price of an official annulment that will allow you to legally be wed by a justice of the peace at a later date. No wedding-night services are included.

Superman Christianity

In Superman 4, Kal-El (i.e. Superman) is battles his new arch-nemesis Nuclear Man for a long time (approximately 90 minutes [93 if you live in Finland], which is generally the amount of time it takes to defeat a bad guy, solve a crime, or learn a life lesson).

Nuclear Man is a clone of Superman who possesses all the same powers as the man in tights (with the addition of unsightly fingernails), yet has one deficiency: he needs the power of the yellow sun. Superman does too, but this David Bowie impersonator simply can’t fight without it. Superman finally defeats him by fighting him on the dark side of the moon, then buries him in a nuclear reactor (who didn’t see that one coming?).

I generally use this story to illustrate my genetic need to live in the South. Seasonal Affectedness Disorder (SAD) afflicts 1.5% of Americans, with the most typical symptom being depression during long winter months. In short, Seasonal Affectedness Disorder and the state of Oregon teach us one thing: people need sunshine to live healthy lives. Great cheese comes from happy cows. Happy cows live in California. Although I do not technically have SAD, I often experience a noticeable loss of energy during several consecutive days of grayness and empathize with the SAD people.

But beyond the need for sunshine, I think the best use of this story fits with us and the Holy Spirit. As Christians, the vitality that the indwelling of the Lord God provides is simply irreplaceable. The Spirit literally provides life (Rom. 8:10), yet so many Christians survive without it. Why, and how, is that?

The why is pretty simple: living in the Spirit takes work. Like all relationships, your connection with God takes daily effort and intentionality. I’ve not yet seen a relationship in which both people said one day, “Hey, let’s get married,” got married, then were a part of a thriving union despite never talking to each other thereafter. Any kind of intimacy is the product of a continual choice to prioritize and dedicate oneself to expending the time and energy necessary to get to know each other. Like a living organism, death begins once growth stops. In physics terms, relationships exist in a dampened system. We know this—it’s common sense. Yet for some reason, 90% of Christians (that statistic is completely made up) reject the normal rules of relationships and think they can get by with little-to-no attention given to their internal reality.

The how is slightly more complicated: if we really need the Holy Spirit that badly, then how is it that people survive without it? Francis Chan, in his book The Forgotten God (3 stars), offers the beginnings of an explanation:

“For some reason, we don’t think we need the Holy Spirit. We don’t expect the Holy Spirit to act. Or if we do, our expectations are often misguided or self-serving. Given our talent set, experience, and education, many of us are fairly capable of living rather successfully (by the world’s standards) without any strength from the Holy Spirit” (p. 31).

Although he would agree that even those who openly reject God need the Holy Spirit for every single breath, it’s obvious that people who choose to ignore God can still be “successful.” If you just want to live a normal, decent life, then you can do so without relying on the daily sustenance of God’s presence. Nuclear Man didn’t need the Sun to survive, just for his superpowers to work. Although the Spirit offers much more than simple abilities, you can’t live a supernatural life without it.

Chan thinks (rightly so) that we should be unsatisfied with this “fairly adequate” life:

“I don’t want my life to be explainable without the Holy Spirit. I want people to look at my life and know that I couldn’t be doing this by my own power. I want to live in such a way that I am desperate for Him to come through. That is He doesn’t come though, I am screwed” (p. 142).

Without the supernatural indwelling of the Holy Spirit, we’re Power Wheels without batteries, superheroes without powers. Who wants to be Batman when you could be Superman? (If you are one of those people who thinks Batman is cooler than Superman, then you are hopeless and possibly not a Christian. Let me know so I can pray for you.) I, for one, am not okay with living a mediocre life. That’s not what we’re created for or called to. That’s why I continually seek to dwell in the life-giving power of the Son.

(Audible groan as I end with typically cheesy Christian pun.)

Books, Humility, & God’s Holiness

One of the greatest inventions of the last century has been the book. Before books, men read scrolls, and women didn’t read anything. Although this may sound ideal to some of you, it actually wasn’t. People were uneducated and couldn’t spel, which is one of the few abilities that separate us from animals (“Curses!” suspired the poor platypus, angrily).

But then along came this guy named Gutenberg—an ingenious fellow with enough time on his hands to both invent the printing press and star in the summer blockbuster “It Takes Two” with superstars Mary Kate & Ashley Olson.

Steve (which is apparently short for Johannes) single-handedly made knowledge available to everyone—much like Amazon will do for the print-illiterate generation with its Kindle (formerly known as the iPod or nano-iPad).

This was a big deal for lots of reasons, but the implication that I’m writing about (ironically so) is the small collection of books I’ve been reading recently. As a part of a new venture to actually learn things in school instead of just passing tests, in the last couple years I’ve begun reading (for definition, see “intensive skimming”) texts assigned in class. One such exposition was a treatise on humility called, appropriately enough, Humility. This subject has been of increased interest to me as of late, so I dove in heartily and actually (in quintessential nerd fashion) finished it before the beginning of the semester. (Note: Such a venture should be embarked upon cautiously, as references in class to previously-completed readings will certainly draw the scorn of friends, classmates, and most professors.)

The book, which was exceptional in its practicality, suggested as an application that those truly seeking humility begin a study of God, especially His holiness, as a means to become more humble. The logic goes like this: If you come to know God and His holiness, you will consequently understand your sin in greater clarity and thus become more humble. Pursuing humility is thus something akin to the pursuit of happiness: we find it best when it comes as a by-product of greater things. If you want to be happy, dedicate yourself to joy independent of circumstances, and seek to love others. If you want to be humble, learn who God is and who you are in light of His majesty.

Brennan Manning offers a similar thought in Ragamuffin Gospel:

“There is an essential connection between experiencing God, loving God, and trusting God. You will trust God only as much as you know Him. And you will love Him to the extent you have touched Him, rather that He has touched you.”

We have to experience God if we are to become more like Him, and we need to understand His holiness if we will be humble.

All the preceding developments led me to where I am right now: reading The Holiness of God by R.C. Sproul. Robert Charles, like his buddy Gutengberg, was apparently a multi-tasker as well (if you don’t believe me, you haven’t experienced his tasty Coke alternative) but was also a great book writer. This is my first interaction with Sproul (pronounced SPROLL, like a portmanteau of Spree and Rolo, which, if combined, could be the world’s greatest candy ever), and I’ve found him to be thoughtful while still communicating clearly and simply. (Think Os Guinness or Henri Nouwen.) His unfolding of the Biblical theme of God’s holiness is refreshing as well as convicting, and I recommend it. It drives me back to prayer and Scripture, which is what any good (Christian) book does. But none of this personal growth would be possible were it not for the advent of books.

I know I’ve rambled a bit, so in case you lost me, here’s the point of the whole post: Although they’ve slimmed down a lot and their popularity has seemed to deteriorate much in recent years because of the development of newer, more attractive alternatives, no one can dispute the timeless value of the Olson twins, especially with regard to their family-friendly comedy “It Takes Two.” Watch it with a friend. But just in case you get bored during the movie, bring a book.

Hola, El Internet

Hello, blog world.

Actually, I guess this introduction should technically be, “Hi, blog world—it’s good to see you again. You might not remember me, but we’ve met at least a couple times. Once, when my freshman English teacher in college made me start a blog, then again once I tried unsuccessfully to reach worldwide acclaim by posting funny thoughts on the internet. Both of those were kind of short-lived, so here’s hoping our relationship lasts longer than that one time I dated a girl for a day after summer camp. Sincerely yours, Josh”

Actually, that last comparison’s not bad. Just like that ill-fated dating arrangement in which I dated a girl when I really liked her best friend, creating a blog may just be me fulfilling my appetence to be published for real. If we stick with that metaphor, then I guess I should apply what I learned from that experience: be honest up front. Well, here goes:

I’m a Christian. I like to write. I amuse myself, and it seems other people occasionally fall prey to that reaction as well. I’m from Texas, but I live in Indiana and am moving to the Boston area. I like big words. I have lots of random hobbies of which writing is one. This is an exercise to make myself more disciplined at writing for fun with regularity. Occasionally, I might share something serious, but in general, these postings will contain some bit of humor. If you continue reading, you might even experience some genre variation. Some will be funny, some might be thought provoking, and a lot of it will probably be boring and disinteresting. I guess that’s up to you, though.

Now, this is the part of the relationship where I get applauded for honesty. “Josh, that’s sweet. I really appreciate you trying to do the right thing. Now I really want to date you.” To which I reply, “I don’t know if you heard what I said…” You assure me that you did, which I don’t believe, but we get together anyway. Then after a short while (3-5 hours) you find out that I wasn’t just being humble when I told you how lame I was and you decide you don’t want to date a loser. That’s fine. Disappointing, but kind of what I anticipated.

So here’s where I call an audible. Instead of us entering into an exclusive relationship, we’re going to try a digital media version of a friends-with-benefits relationship. I’ll do my random and sporadic writing thing, and you’ll read occasionally. But we won’t be exclusive. In fact, I encourage you to read people who have been doing this way longer than me and who are certainly funnier. Steve Conn & Dr. Awesome are two such people that I follow.

Inevitably, we’ll have to have another DTR (Define the Relationship) in the future, but I think this suffices for now. Until then…(end with a thoughtful witticism).