Sabotaging Weddings

Besides being able to legally purchase lottery tickets, the best thing about aging is getting to see all your friends get married. When I was a kid, I had so many weekends in which I had absolutely nothing to do. Now that I’m older, I have anywhere from one to 35 weddings per weekend to choose from. Another added benefit is that I am perpetually aware of the fact that I am unmarried. What joy! Fortunately, all these weddings have not been a waste of time. Through careful study, I have begun to develop a science of weddings—the substance of which I will gladly share with you. And because of the wonders of the Internet, I am able to dispense that information to you at no charge.

Premise #1: There are three types of weddings: absolutely extravagant perfect weddings, normal weddings, and weddings where something goes wrong. People always remember extravagant weddings. We know this because women talk about them all the time. People also remember weddings where something goes wrong, like when the pastor forgets to tell everyone to be seated and the entire audience stands for the duration of the ceremony (true story: my dad did it). Avoiding mistakes is almost impossible (or at least very expensive); thus, the key is to control mistakes, not attempt in vain to prevent them. Since no one wants just an average wedding, yet few people have the resources for a perfect ceremony, your best bet is to plan for something to go wrong.

This brings me to today’s special offer. Since most brides are too consumed with wedding details to plan for things to go wrong at the appropriate times, I will lend my skills as ceremonial saboteur for a small fee. These packages are pro-rated based on the level of service you require:

$100: This is the Basic Saboteur fee. I will attend your wedding as a silent guest and work behind the scenes to accomplish one (1) of the following tasks:

Candles don’t light or go out prematurely ($25 extra for Unity Candle malfunctions)

Flower girl

1. Does not drop flower petals
2. Flashes the audience throughout the ceremony
3. Wets herself

Bridesmaid/groomsman passes out

Getaway car gets completely trashed and is undriveable

Ring gets lost ($25 extra)

Someone objects loudly ($50 extra)

Grandparent dies ($150 extra)

Screwing with the cake (strictly forbidden)

As an invisible attendant, I am completely deniable. You are then free to laugh, enjoy yourself, and rest assured that nothing will go wrong…except what you planned.

$500: For a few hundred dollars more, you can greatly enliven your party by purchasing the services of the Charming Guest. In addition to sabotaging the wedding in up to two (2) different ways, I will:

Dance with your grandmother and/or bridesmaids

Tell humorous stories about you that make you seem warm, genuine, and lovable

Schmooze five (5) persons of your choosing, guaranteeing that they do not complain angrily to other guests about deficiencies in the ceremony and/or your character

$1,000: How many stories do you know about a no-show groomsman? If you can think of one, that’s one too many. This is exactly the type of mistake you don’t want to experience (for more details, see “Hell on Earth”). For only one grand, I will fill in as a Groomsman, complete with fake ID and stories about our exceedingly long-lasting relationship. Five wedding party pictures are included in the fee. For an extra $250, I will make a short (3-5 minute) speech that is both funny and touching. For $500 more, I will be your Best Man. This package comes complete with a custom assortment of ceremonial faux pas.

$10,000: If none of the above offers are enough to save your wedding, then your final option is the premium package. For $10,000, I will marry the bride. If her family is so upset with your lack of intelligence, character, charm, or wit, I will take one for the team and marry her on your behalf, convincing them that everything they’ve heard about the groom is utterly untrue. Your 10k covers the cost of a professional makeup job to make me look like the Groom as well as the price of an official annulment that will allow you to legally be wed by a justice of the peace at a later date. No wedding-night services are included.