New England: Land of the Free, Home of the Crazy Driver

As you may already know, I've recently moved to New England, or as I like to call it, "Boston." Bostonians are a very proud species. They like to call themselves names. Names like "Red Sox Nation," "The Capital of New England," and "The Cradle of Civilization*" are common monikers that float about the pedestrian-laden streets like bedbugs in a college dorm room.**

Boston isn't the only place that thinks it's pretty cool. New Hampshire's license plate says, "Live Free or Die!" Given the choice and time to ponder it, I think I'd choose the freely-living option.

If Boston decided to adopt a similar catchy slogan, it would be something like, "Drive Very Assertively or You Will Certainly Perish." Contrary to popular belief, this is not because New Englanders are angry people^; it's simply because their roads are awful.

Allow me to elaborate. In Texas (the Lone Star State), we have what most Texans refer to as "on-ramps" for all major highways. I'm not sure what they're called in Massachusetts, but I colloquially call them "the times when you try to accelerate to 55 miles an hour from a complete stop while risking the lives of about 4 people." (See diagram below.) No wonder so many casinos are based in New Jersey. People around here love to gamble!


These frequent near-death encounters have added a new level of excitement to my life. No longer is a trip to Target for a package of boxer briefs^^ just a casual jaunt in my 4Runner; it's now something along the lines of Indiana Jones running from a perfectly spherical boulder through a pack of poison-dart-shooting Incas while an Indian voodoo-man squeezes the life out of his beating heart. "Short Round" would pee his pants at the very thought of such a life-threatening quest. Sean Connery would shave his beard and pick up a Texas accent before embarking on such a trial.

The upside of regular doses of danger has been that I am now much more carefree. After coming so close to death on a daily basis and somehow surviving, I haven't a care in the world. Yesterday, I blow-dried (blew-dry?) my hair in the shower. This morning, I bit off the head of a rattlesnake and spit it in Chuck Norris's face.^^^ Tomorrow, I'm not even going to set an alarm.

If you, too, would like to be released from all the cares in the world, then come to Boston. I have a spare bedroom, and yes, it is decorated in the "University of Texas" theme, just as you'd expect. You can stay with me as long as you want.`

*This could easily be confused with "The Cradle of Liberty," a name for Faneuil Hall in downtown Boston.
**Bedbugs actually don't float much, but they will ravage your RA given the opportunity.***
***Bedbugs are also apparently invincible.
^Their angry ways actually have nothing to do with it at all.
^^ I still have yet to experience these legendary undergarments.
^^^Anyone who knows me or Chuck Norris would instantly see that such tomfoolery has no place in our loving-but-macho Facebook friendship. I admit I was exaggerating.
`Not in excess of one (1) night.